Friday, May 4, 2007

Queen Me

I have been having trouble sleeping for a while. (For those that know me, you know that the worst possible thing I can suffer is lack of sleep, and the biggest sin DH can commit is not making sure I have enough sleep time available.) I'm not sure when it started, and the weird thing is that it's not consistent. So I can go along fine for a week or so, then *BAM*. I'm lying awake from 4:30 to 7:30 wondering why God doesn't love me. Because, of course, if He loved me, He would let me sleep. I'm not sure why it's His fault, exactly, except that He has everything under control (you know, Romans 8:28 and all that) and He supposedly loves me (John 3:16...come on, people, these are basics!! *sigh* I had to look up the John reference. For someone who grew up in a Baptist church, that's tired.) So why would He take away something I so desperately need?

My Reformed theological friends would say that, somehow, this is for His glory, 'cause everything is. Well, I don't know what they're smoking, because I'm sure not glorifying Him in this state. Dizzy, headachey, back-achey, eye-stinging, hazy, incomprehensibile days do not make me want to glorify God. Unless there's a "We Hate Heather Club" out there (and there may well be), I'm pretty sure no one else is glorifying Him because of it, either. (And hopefully my sleep would trump that kind of glory in God's eyes.)

You then might say that this is just "one of those things" that "just happens" and God's not really involved with it; He doesn't care one way or the other. I'm not really comfortable with that answer, either. Do I only attach God's hand to good things that happen to me? Am I being His PR rep to myself by picking and choosing what events I want Him to be associated with in my mind? Can my faith not stand a God that sometimes chastises or causes bad things to come into my life?

So now we are back to my suffering and the reason for it. And there is the heart of the problem. What's the reason for it? I can't see it. And I don't like bearing up under suffering for no reason. Because, of course, I am the best judge of what is a good and bad reason for something to happen. (Wow, where's the sarcasm font when I need it?)

I am generally a rule-follower. I learn from other people's mistakes (unlike my oldest sister, who says she can only learn from her own). Usually, if you tell me the rules, I will follow them gladly...with one exception. If there's a rule that 1) goes against something I want to do and 2) seems unjust, I may still follow it, but I will rant, rave and rail against it. And by "unjust", I mean that I can't see a good reason for it. Back to me being the ultimate judge here...I mean, I am omniscient and all. Oh, wait a minute...I'm not. Maybe someone else should be sitting on that throne that I put myself on.

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