Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The 12 Disasters of Christmas

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And now for a special holiday edition of First World Problems! Here's your post-holiday quiz...which of the following twelve disasters befell the Lottloft before Christmas?

  1. The Christmas tree sustained a terrible gash at the hands of incompetent Home Depot staff, so it died in like a week.
  2. Aforementioned injured tree fell with a spectacular crash. Three ornaments remain unbroken.
  3. Although we own approximately 62 strings of lights, only two of them actually worked.
  4. Michael gets sick enough to have to go to the doctor, resulting in loss of cookie baking time.
  5. Michael loses a toe when he drops a stocking holder on his foot in a bout of illness-induced vertigo.
  6. While taking a vacation day, I am made late for a Christmas party because my office calls me to fix a problem created by someone else...who is also on vacation but is NOT called to fix his problem.
  7. Our house fills with toxic black smoke and we have to evacuate.
  8. Problems at work continue for a second day, meaning that to get ready for dinner and a show out with Michael's parents, I have to get ready one-handed while I type with the other.
  9. On the third day of issues from work, there were no French hens, but ugly tears when I realize there's no way I can still get all the cookies baked and presents made on time.
  10. Even though I've made the same cookies for six years in a row, this year's batch turns out flat as crispy little pancakes.
  11. Pre-Christmas rain exacerbated some leaks in the Lottloft, causing water to pour through new holes in the ceiling.
  12. I realize I've made a mistake on my sister's knitted mitts...50 rounds back.

One of these is made up, three are exaggerated, but the rest TOTALLY HAPPENED. Ready to see the answers?

  1. Gashed Christmas tree - TRUE
    I always take a piece of ribbon with me the same length as our tree stand is deep, so I know which branches to tell them to cut off. A "helpful" employee made a mark on the trunk at that height, but the guy with the buzz saw thought that meant where he should CUT OFF THE TRUNK. My high-pitched screeches stopped his saw after he'd cut through the trunk about 1/3 of the way. They offered to give us a taller tree (duh...it wouldn't fit), but we'd already spent an hour picking this one out, so we decided to risk it. The tree refused to drink any water and is now a nine-foot-tall fire hazard.
  2. Tree crash - FALSE
    I am an engineer, after all.
  3. Massive light failure - EXAGGERATED
    There were a few strands of lights that didn't work, but they were old outside lights, and no big loss.
  4. Michael's ill - TRUE
    Poor guy; he had a sinus infection. He was laid flat for two days (ministrations caused me to lose some additional prep time) and had to go in to work later, on the day before family festivities.
  5. Michael loses a toe - EXAGGERATED
    He "just" hurt his foot pretty bad. But in later days, continuing sickness-induced clumsiness caused him to kick a door with the other foot, and bang each of his knees several times.
  6. Idiot coworker ruins Christmas - TRUE
    Did I mention that I received the call right after we got home from taking Michael to the doctor and the pharmacy? When I was thinking, OK, I CAN STILL MAKE THIS CHRISTMAS THING HAPPEN!
  7. Toxic black smoke - TRUE
    A rubber-handled pizza cutter fell on the heating element in the dishwasher. I realized soon that I needed to get my spouse's infected sinuses to fresh air, so we went up to the deck. Luckily, it was 60 (degrees F). Unluckily, it was windy and the wifi only reached so far, so I had to sit with my back against the deck door (on the floor) to get reception. Because I was working. Yeah...this happened pretty much right after the call. I had to throw out another batch of cookies due to smoke pollution.
  8. Getting ready one-handed - TRUE
    Yeah. Although I told them I needed to leave, they kept asking questions. I finally just shut the computer and left.
  9. Work still can't do anything without me - TRUE
    It's nice to be needed, but this is ridiculous. All told, I lost over 12 hours of baking and prep time.
  10. Sudden cookie problems - TRUE
    Not tragic, but did I mention this happened after the whole illness-noxious fumes-work apocalypse thing?
  11. Water pours through the ceiling - TRUE
    Seriously?? My Christmas present was supposed to be having leaks fixed, not having more turn up!
  12. Knit mitt mistake - EXAGGERATED
    It was only four rows back. I did however take about six tries...I think?...to pick up stitches on the cuff for the mitt just before I realized my mistake. I managed to get one mitt done for my sister. *sigh* At least she crafts, too, so she understands. Plus, she showed up with a handmade ornament for me...that she was supposed to give me last year. =)

So how'd you do? Did you guess correctly?

I hope your New Year has fewer problems than my run up to Christmas!

JiffNotes
No real disasters, my holiday plans were just derailed a bit by an idiot at work!

6 comments:

Jackie said...

Oh no! It looks like you had a challenging December. I had to laugh at the "I'm an engineer, after all." Hoping Michael is completely recovered and that you're not on the phone with work. Happy New Year!

featherstitches said...

This is the best Christmas wrap up I've read yet. It certainly was a bit up and down for you. I hope Michael is feeling better, there's nothing worse than being sick over the holidays. :)

Anne said...

When I read these Heather, I thought they were all true except the Michael lost his toe bit! I hope he's okay though. What catastrophes! Wishing you all the best and no more catastrophes for the year!!

Marsha said...

I'm so glad you didn't lose ornaments. I would have cried. We were snubbed from Christmas dinner which really caused hurt, bad feelings ( by my son's MIL and FIL) that we've gone to for the past 3 years. Guess once they got married we're OUT. I worked Christmas EVE night and it was one of the worst nights ever in Blood Bank. Another really bad night in blood bank Monday - so bad annd hectic I wanted to throw up the first 3 hours. I hope we both have a better Christmas in 2014 - Mike too!

Ellen said...

Oh my goodness, Heather, what a time you all had! So sorry for all the problems...you certainly had more than your share this year.

In hindsight, I guess it could have been worse...the made-up thing could have been real as could the exaggerated ones. (Just trying to make you feel better.)

Just think....next year things probably can't get worse, right?

I hope that 2014 is treating you and Michael well.

Melanie said...

Whew!!! Even without the 'embellilshments'...........Yikes. Poor you. And him. And your house. lol

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