Ask a stupid question...

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"Someone" (name withheld to protect the guilty) sent me an email a while back, and I couldn't help answering some of the deep thoughts included. These were meant to be rhetorical questions asked for humor, but being the extreme literalist I am, I couldn't help myself. I was going to answer ALL of them, but then even I got bored, so I decided to spare you.

Can you cry under water?

Yes. This is kind of like asking if you can pee in a pool, although crying underwater is acceptable.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

With my "extensive" research from Wikipedia, I can tell you that you don't have to be that important. It's more to do with the motivation of your assassin (or murderer, if they have no idealogical bent and weren't employed to bump you off). Once again, it's not about you. =)

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

This is a supply/demand question. You're always eager to supply opinions, but you must demand people listen to them.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Square boxes are cheaper to make and assemble.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

We weren't in a luggage race with the Soviet Union. At least, not that I know of.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes. Just like if a blind person goes to a funeral home, it's still called a viewing.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

I think the answer to this question should be obvious (the key word being "decent"), and that we should begin preemptively jailing people who eat burnt toast to prevent them committing unspeakable crimes/really bad art.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

I believe you're making a lyrical error in this fine old song...the lyric is "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care". Someone cares. It's still not about you.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Clearly, he was an electrical engineer and not a mechanical engineer.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

I'm sure he'd be happy for you to share your source for roadrunner filets. Also, have you never heard the term "grudge match"??

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

READ THE LABEL. What am I, the Book of Knowledge? Sheesh.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

No. Just like heredity doesn't come from herons. (Subtracting "ity" plus the preceding two letters and then adding "ons" does not a joke make.)

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Yes. You're a freakin' musical genius. Don't talk to me until you can hum the themes from Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Superman in quick succession.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

What? "Hemisphere"? You mean, "atmosphere"?? Really, now I think you're just being ridiculous.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

My dog never got mad at me when I blew in his face. Perhaps you should have a Tic Tac, because, DUDE, if your dog thinks your breath is bad....

JiffNotes
Since I know at least ONE of you out there is simply DYING with the SUSPENSE...I did not get picked to serve on a jury. In fact, I got to go home at lunch! And, you know, work the rest of the day. Yay.