Saturday, August 4, 2012

Lottlympiad Opening Week

Click now for JiffNotes

Bob: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first update of the Games of the Second Lottlympiad! We have a lot to catch up usual, Jim is here with me to break down the action.

Jim: G'day, mates!

Bob: Jim, what are you doing?

Jim: Bob, by the fires of all the shrimp on the barbie, this is shaping up to be a ripper Games!

Bob: Jim, why are you speaking in an Australian accent?

Jim: What?

Bob: Why the Australian accent? We're in London!

Jim: But...but this is a British accent!

Bob:, it's not, Jim. It's definitely Australian. And although Australia is a constitutional monarchy with Queen Elizabeth at its head, you wouldn't call it "British". You're eight years too late...mate.

Jim: But I've been practicing all week! (sobs)

Bob: Check some YouTube videos, Jim.... While Jim pulls himself together, let me talk a little about the time difference. We're six hours behind London, so it's possible that as we delay our updates, there might be spoilers out there. But here, you can be sure that there will be no spoilers.

Jim: That's right, Bob...for instance, we'd never tell you that a Bronze medal was earned in Synchronized Shawling before we go out to Ted and Cynthia at the Aquatics Centre.

Bob: Jim!!

Jim: What??

Bob: You just told them a Bronze was earned before we showed the coverage!

Jim: No, Bob, YOU just told them a Bronze was earned...I said we wouldn't tell them that.

Bob: (sighs) Let's go out to Ted and Cynthia at the Aquatics Centre.

Ted: Thank you, Bob...Jim. Cynthia, we have had a great start in Synchronized Shawling.

Cynthia: Yes, Ted...surprisingly, we can announce that a Bronze medal has been earned.

Ted: Let's take a look at the Bronze medal winning performance.


Cynthia: This is the Jeanie shawl, knit it Dream in Color Starry, and it has a high degree of difficulty, not only because it's a cabled shawl, but it's also reversible.

Ted: And the cables are floating!

Cynthia: Yes, and we can get a better sense of that when we see this shawl in the air.


Ted: You can really see the cables all lined up from that angle.

Cynthia: And speaking of angles, look at the matching angles of entry here, so important in a Synchronized event.

Ted: There's also a unique approach and takeoff going on, right, Cynthia?

Cynthia: Yes, Ted, we are cabling without a cable needle here, which saves a lot of time, and energy. And of course, conserving energy is very important when you have to put together so many repeats to get through the qualifiers, semis and finals.

Ted: Kind of makes you wish the repeats would keep going, doesn't it?

Cynthia: Yes, especially when you get such a nice rhythm going. But it's going to have to wait for another day.

Ted: Back to you, Bob!

Bob: Thank you, Tim and Cynthia. Now I'm sure we all enjoyed the Opening Ceremony...


Bob: Yes, it was great to see the Queen with actor Daniel Craig--


Bob: (eyes Jim)--who plays British super-spy James Bond--


Bob: A very unusual entry into Olympic Stadium for the torch, coming right up the river Thames in a boat--


Bob: (sighs)--driven by David Beckham, who was so instrumental in getting the Games to London. The boat was carrying the torch bearer, who was--


Bob: (sighs) Yes, Jim. As I was saying, we all know that some events start as soon as the Opening Ceremony does. This is why on the first full day of competition, medals are awarded. There was some excitement at the Bead Triathlon's opening swim in Hyde Park. Let's go out to Steve and Julie.

Steve: Thanks, Bob! After a lot of gearing up during the Opening Ceremony, we had a Bronze on the first full day of competition!

Julie: Nice! But isn't all that beading going to make for a bumpy road ahead?

Steve: Perhaps, but endurance is part of the Triathlon, and the next leg looks like it's going to be pretty smooth, if we make it that far. Back to you, Bob!

Bob: Thank you, Steve. Another opening day event was Sailing, in the Starboat division.

Jim: Yeah, you might say it was smooth sailing to a Bronze medal, Bob! See what I did there? Bob?

Bob: Yes, I see what you did there, Jim...spoiled another event result. You know, let's not bother going out to Gary at the venue. Let's just show the medal result.

Jim: Very smooth. Don't we expect some choppy waters ahead?

Bob: Yes, but not with this boat. And I think you'll be surprised with the curves of the next boat, if we make it that far in the competition. Hopefully we'll have more from the Weymouth and Portland National Sailing Academy next week.

Jim: Bob, what are you trying to pull here? Portland is in the US!

Bob: (sighs)

Jim: Bob, you sure are sighing a lot. Are you feeling all right?

Bob: I'm fine, Jim. Now, this is a historic Games for many reasons, including some new events for women that are debuting. Jim has been keeping up with the drama and successes of some of them.

Jim: That's right, Bob, and I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage our viewers to tune in to the Tomorrow show to see our special interview with the family of the first Bronze medal winner in Boxing, from right here at the Lottloft!

Bob: JIM!!

Jim: What??!?

Bob: (sighs) I was just about to announce that the Bronze medal in Boxing was earned.

Jim: Wait, what? Haven't we done that yet?

Bob: No, Jim.

Jim: But that happened, like TWO DAYS ago!

Bob: (sighs) Let's just take a look at the medal ceremony at the ExCel Centre, shall we?


Bob: There you have it, another historic moment in these Games. Now let's go to North Greenwich Arena where Al, Tim and Elfie are waiting to talk to us about Floor Exercise.

Al: Welcome to the competition for women's Floor Exercise. Tim, Elfie, what are we looking at here?

Tim: Well, Al, this is really just the preliminaries, but we already have a Bronze medal in Floor Exercise.


Elfie: Yes, but you'll notice that there are a few steps out of bounds here and there, a few form breaks, and all of those things cost a tenth of a point.

Al: The preliminaries. Before it even happens, this lasts a lifetime. Back to you, Bob.

Bob: Um, thank you, Al. I'd like to take you out to the Aquatics Centre again, where Dan and Rowdy are recapping swimming, but it seems there is only a small amount of progress in the Random Relay.

Jim: Yes, Bob, it's still the preliminaries there as well, and swimmers really work better during daylight hours, at least in the current row.

Bob: You mean "lane," Jim...but why do you say they work better during daylight hours? Is it all the over-one stitching?

Jim: Duh, Bob...have you not seen their swim caps?

Bob: Uh, yes, I've seen them--

Jim: Well, they're BLACK! Clearly, they're solar-powered.

Bob: And on that note, I'll sign off for this update. Hopefully, we'll be back sometime this week, now that the home team are all out of the hospital. Cheerio from London!

Jim: Bob, why are you talking about cereal?

Bob: (sighs)

Will there be more medals in the Lottlympiad? Will Jim learn to speak in a proper British accent? Stay tuned!


Shebafudge said...

Brilliant! I was laughing my socks off.

Anonymous said...

what the fruck Heather!!
I'll never ever beat this super olympic post, not even with stitching results!! :D
thanks for the laughs.. sunday starts off with style! :D

Jo who can't think of a clever nickname said...


Question is - what takes longer, the stitching or thinking up the commentary?

or do you have two puppets of Jim and Bob sitting on your shoulder as you stitch?

Congrats on the medals so far.

Sue said...

Well dig a hole and bury me.....Lottlympiad doesn't get any better than this. You look like you have been flat out like a lizard drinking with all your stitchy goodness! As for Jim....He's a few 'roos short of a paddock if he thinks that is an Australian accent! He's not got enough brains to give himself a headache!

Melanie said...

Cracking good post! ;)

Chris said...

Wow! Great progress and fun post :)

Nic said...

This cracked me up. But then, your lottlympiad posts always do :)

Great work on the cables - I haven't learnt to do them without a cable needle yet. Have seen it done, don't trust myself (and the large amount of tinkling I'm sure will be required when I drop the stitches).

Ziggyeor said...

Cracking up, I think it's better than the Olympic Commentary! Congrats on all your progress. I'm slowly plugging away at page one of my tower.

Susan @ Real Girl Designs said...

I was too busy reading your commentary to pay attention to your medal winning performances. Absolutely hilarious!

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