Lottlympiad 2016 Finale (Finally!)

Click now for JiffNotes

Majestic drums and fanfare play over a swooping graphic of Five Rings...

Bob: HOLD IT! CUT!

Needle rips* and music stops

Bob: Shhh...Jim will think we're doing a broadcast.

Rebecca: But Bob, we are doing a broadcast.

Bob: Yes, but we're trying to lure Jim out of the broom closet. Now move that fan a little to the right.

Rebecca: Got it.

Jim: *faintly* Is that steak I smell?

Bob: Jim, how long has it been since you've eaten? Come out of there.

Jim: *door creaks open* That does smell delicious.

Bob: Yes, Jim, there's a bunch of food from a churrascaria out on the deck. Why don't you go outside and have some?

Jim: Is it safe?

Bob: *sighs* Yes, Jim, it's perfectly safe. Go ahead.

Gaucho: Olá, senhor, gostaria Alguns bife?

Jim: BOB, THAT'S A BRAZILIAN!!!**

Bob: QUICK, REBECCA, GET THE DOOR!

*door slams*

Jim: *muffled* Bob, let me back in!! *trailing off* Oooo...steak....

Bob: Jim will be fine, ladies and gentlemen. It's taken so long to come up with a good plan to dislodge him from that broom closet that both Games have come and gone, and we really do need to vacate the International Broadcast Center. So let's keep this wrap up short and sweet! First, Tom and Atto have reported that a Bronze medal was earned in the Patriotic Relay. Let's take a look.

Rebecca: Very inspiring, Bob. Or it would be, if that were my country's flag.

Bob: Ah, yes. Well. Let's go out to Dan and Rowdy for the results of the WIP Medley.

Dan: Thanks, Bob. To get the Bronze here, you had to make a complete circuit of the pool, and that's just what happened. Right, Rowdy?

Rowdy: Dan, can you believe it?? To come all the way around, and match up exactly like that, it's just UNBELIEVABLE!!

Dan: Just take a look at that.

Rowdy: UNBELIEVABLE!! I gotta calm down, Dan. I'm starting to get excited way too early.

Dan: The water started to look a little rough after that, Rowdy, as we moved on in the Medley.

Rowdy: Ohh, I don't know, Dan. That looks bad. Can we even make a silver?

Dan: Choppy waters ahead, Bob.

Bob: Thank you, Dan, we'll check back with you later. Now Dave and Heather will give us the results of Synchronized Shawling.

Dave: Bob, we've seen a lot of formation changes in Synchronized Shawling. Heather, what did you think of this one?

Heather: Dave, this is definitely an improvement in technique for the team. They are really nailing the basics now, and that's a good step towards more complex arrangements and higher difficulty.

Dave: Good enough for a Silver, in fact.

Heather: Yes, but let's look at this next effort. Just look at the increased intricacy, the smaller distance of separation.

Dave: Looks like a Gold medal to me! Hey, is that supposed to be the Rio torch?

Heather: Ummm...hard to say. Let's just enjoy the Gold medal performance.

Dave: A great display of athleticism and "artistry" here, Bob. Back to you.

Bob: Thank you, Dave. Rebecca, do we have an update from Dan and Rowdy?

Rebecca: Bob, Dan has reported that against all odds, a Silver was earned in the WIP Medley. You know things were looking rather rough before.

Bob: Are we ready to go to them live?

Rebecca: Sorry, Bob, it sounds like Dan is administering smelling salts to Rowdy. He sent along this shot of the Silver medal finish.

Bob: Looks great. I hope Rowdy's OK.

Rebecca: Well, Bob, he has four years to recover now, so I'm sure he will be fine.

Bob: I guess that's true. So, Rebecca, do we have an update on the Chore Steeplechase?

*both laugh uproariously*

Rebecca: *wiping tears from eyes* Did you really think there would be? Of course not. Ironing! Honestly, Bob.

Bob: Just checking. Finally, let's go out to Paul and Christian for the conclusion of (re)Cycling.

Paul: Bob, when we left you last, there were bumps in the road and wet weather coming. But I think you can see that everything washed out and now it's smooth going.

Christian: Oooo, what a turnaround there! Do you even remember the uneven terrain before?

Paul: Yes, this Silver medal performance is pretty amazing when you consider how things were looking.

Christian: It really set things up for a Gold medal, too! Just look!

Paul: That is a picture-perfect photo finish, Christian! Back to you, Bob.

Bob: Thank you, Paul. So by my count, that makes 5 Bronze medals, 3 Silvers and 2 Gold medals. Not a record setting effort, but still respectable.

Rebecca: Yes, Bob, it was--

*door bursts open*

Jim: BOB!!!

Bob: Uh oh.

Jim: This food is AMAZING!!

Bob: That's...that's great, Jim!

Jim: Oh my gosh, and have you tried frescobol?? It is SO FUN!

Bob: Jim, about a month ago, there was a demo--

Jim: And the people here! They are SO NICE!!

Bob: Yes, Jim, I know.

Jim: Well, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

Bob: Jim, we've been trying--

Jim: I am having SUCH a great time! I met a lot of great people and they told me how to make the national drink, and I learned how to play beach football, and I really want to play some more, and tomorrow there is going to be a pick up tournament, and--

Bob: Jim.

Jim: --and they promised to teach me how to tie a canga the right way and I can't WAIT to go see more of the country and--

Bob: Jim!

Jim: --and a couple of beautiful girls invited me out tonight to learn to samba dance and I am SO EXCITED and--

Bob: JIM!!!

Jim: WHAT, Bob?

Bob: Our flight home leaves in an hour.

Jim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Rebecca: Sorry, Jim.

Bob: Well, folks, that's it for the 2016 Lottlympiad. We'll say konnichiwa to you in Japan in four years! Say obrigato, Jim!

*Jim sobs quietly in the background*

JiffNotes

Thus ends another "thrilling" and "timely" Lottlympiad. You can check out past Lottlympiad coverage for more antics from Jim and Bob. *For you youngsters out there, back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, music was delivered on "records", and sound was produced by running a needle through the grooves. A universal TV/movie "meme" was someone stopping a party by sliding the needle off the record, resulting in a kind of "ripping" noise. Eventually, you didn't even need to see anyone touch a record, and that ripping noise was a universal sign that someone had done something shocking enough to stop any action. **Jim had a bad experience in London with communication difficulties, and is now terrified of embarrassing himself in front of anyone from another country.