Sunday, September 21, 2008

Lottlympiad Closing Cermonies

Click now for JiffNotes

Bob: The pageantry, the euphoria, the heartache...

{inspiring theme music plays}

Bob: Two weeks of dedication. A chance for one woman to finish more projects during one month than ever before. Plans are made...goals set. But in the end, will the striving be enough? Will this be a Games to remember...or just leave the Lottloft littered with UFOs, the detritus of lost innocence and broken dreams?

{music swells}

Bob: Here is where it all the Games of the Lottlympiad!

{epic music reaches a crescendo, then relents; more whimsical music begins}

Bob: Welcome, everyone, to our recap of the final weekend of competition and the Closing Ceremonies.

Jim: That's Closing Ceremony, Bob. There was one for the Opening, one for the Closing.

Bob: ... Actually, you're right, Jim. Sorry about that. Closing Ceremony.

{whimsical music fades}

Jim: Today we'll be hearing from some of the fine commentators you've heard this past two weeks to get their impressions of this year's Games.

Bob: But first off, we have reports that a Bronze was earned in the Chore Steeplechase.

Jim: That's right, Bob. This proved a very unpopular event for some reason. Really, there were no attempts for any other medals.

Bob: We had similar results in Synchronized seems that after the initial Bronze, the other medal levels looked too intimidating.

Jim: Well, once fatigue set in, somewhere in the middle of week two, there were whole evenings when no progress of any kind was made.

Bob: The games was also rocked by controversy when a Silver medal was awarded for the Peacock Dressage. Let's go to Ted and Cynthia at the Water Cube...

Jim: Um, Bob? Why are we going to the Water Cube for information on a Dressage Event?

Bob: Don't ask questions, Jim. Cynthia?

Ted: Bob, there has been much speculation that the Silver was unfairly awarded for completion of the Bronze level in the Peacock Dressage.

Cynthia: Ted, what you have to remember is that this is a somewhat subjective sport, and the judges have the leeway to reward outstanding performance.

Ted: To the untrained eye, though, Cynthia, it looks suspicious, right?

Cynthia: Well, let's take a look at the StroMotion shot of the final bead going on.

Tim: Help me out here, what are we looking at?

Cynthia: First of all, you can see the bead traveling down the thread, and, most important of all, the perfectly vertical entry into the fabric.

Tim: But what's that got to do with the number of beads used, Cynthia?

Cynthia: Well, in the background, you can just make out the beading cloth, and you can see that there are no beads remaining.

Tim: Definitely an achievement. Back to you, Bob.

Bob: There you have it: photographic evidence. And speaking of photographic evidence, we have some shots of the Bead Relay medal performances, brought to us by Tom and Lewis at the Birds' Nest.

Tom: We've seen some impressive things here this week, Bob, not the least of which is a record-breaking performance in the Bead Relay! Three finished projects in a two-week period...this has surely never happened here before! For a recap, here's Lewis.

Lewis: Thanks, Tom. FirstOfAll, weCanSeeThatTheOriginalDragonStitchMarkersHaveBeenRecreated.

Lewis: RememberThatWithTheUnnamedProjectAlreadyFinished, WeWereAlreadyAtBronzeLevel, butThisPutUsToTheSilver. AndNowOurCompetitorTookAMuchNeededBreakUntilItWasTimeForTheGoldMedalRun.
Tom: We'll have more for you later on, Bob.

Bob: Thanks, Tom. So, as the final weekend began, and the last push got under way, the increased daylight hours of viewing yielding another Silver medal, this time in the Autumn Jewels Clean and Jerk.

Jim: That's just beautiful, Bob. And I see our stitcher went above and beyond the Silver level by withdrawing all the threads for the wrapped bars.

Bob: Wrapped...? Um, yes, Jim, it is nice. Say, Jim, have you been reading up on the events?

Jim: Well, you know, Bob, I can't get by on good looks forever.

Bob: ... Ah. And with that, we're going out to the beach to hear from Chris and Karch.

Chris: Thanks, Bob. We're here to report on something unprecedented, a first for the Games, and for the LottLoft in general.

Karch: That's right, Chris...they said it couldn't be done, but we have a completed sweater!

Chris: Say, is that going to fit? I mean, are you going to be able to move in that? Will it, you know...cover everything?

Karch: I've been assured that once it's been through some wet conditions, it'll shape up nicely and there won't even be issues. Back to you, Bob.

Bob: There you have it: a solid showing in the Tubey Tornado. Get it, Jim? Solid!

Jim: ... Yeeeah, I get it.

Bob: Now let's head back out to the Birds' Nest to get an update on the Bead Relay from Tom and Lewis.

Tom: High on the success of the Tubey Tornado, our stitcher decides to try for one more medal in the Bead Relay with a completed necklace and earrings. Here with the call is Lewis.

Lewis: Tom, theKitWasWellPutTogether, andYou'dThinkItWouldn'tTakeMoreThanAnHour, butComplicationsAroseWhenTheKitHadNoInstructions, onlyAPhotocopyOfTheCompletedNecklace, andWorse, THE COLORS OF THE BEADS WERE DIFFERENT! THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT! Well. TheBeadsWouldHaveToBeSorted. TheClaspAttachmentWasUnfamiliar. HurdleAfterHurdleCleared, justTheEarringsRemained....

Bob: We'll have the conclusion of the Bead Relay later on. Now, here in the studio with us to talk about another controversy is Bela. Bela, we've heard doubts voiced that our stitcher actually stuck it during competition. Can you speak about this?

Bela: Vell, dis ridikulousness really make me mad! I mean, you see de picture! How else you bead like dat if you no stick and stab? Dis girl vork her heart out, she do beautiful vork, and now we heard deese rumors! I know dis girl, she alvays stick and stab, she never sew!

Bob: I though we were just talking about sticking...

Jim: Let me jump in here, Bob. Some stitchers use the "sewing" method, where they bring the needle in and out of the fabric in one motion. Others stick the needle in the fabric, pull the thread all the way through, then stab it back up to the top.

Bob: ... Wow, Jim. I didn't know that.

Bela: Yes! Und now you see, yes, dis is de only vay! Und anyvay, dis girl not only stick when she bead, but all de time! Even just vit de floss! Look at my tie; she stitch on it...see? Vat you going to tell me???

Bob: I'm going to tell you that it's time to wrap up our coverage here, so let's go one more time to Tom and Lewis.

Tom: With the Closing Ceremony entering its final hours and the extinguishing of the flame looming, our stitcher makes one last push at the Bead Relay. Lewis will take us through the final minutes.

Lewis: Tom, backAtTheBeadRelay, allIsGoingWell, oneEarringDown, oneToGo, despite MORE WIRE WRAPPING!! OH NO! But our Lottlete pushes through! She'sGoingToMakeIt, butWhat's THIS? JacquesRoggeIsSteppingUpToThePodium! HE CAN'T EXTINGUISH THE FLAME YET! GET THAT WACKY LONDON MAYOR'S PAWS OFF THE FLAG! WAIT! WAIT!! WAIT!!!! Oh, yeah...tape delay! There's still synchronized swimming to watch! So before she saw the flame die, SHE MADE IT!!!

Tom: Gold in the Bead Relay! An inspiring ending to a marathon effort. Back to you, Bob.

Bob: We're just about finished here. But first, Jim, I'd just like to take this moment to say that I know we started out a little rocky, but I feel like you've really stepped up your game here lately. Your input has really added a lot to today's episode.

Jim: Thanks, Bob. It really makes all the reading, research and hard work worth it.

Bob: Well, that's it for this Games. We'll see you in 18 months for the Games of the Winter Lottlympiad. We're coming to you on tape delay...we had to clear customs, you know.

Jim: And, of course, there was that black hole opened up by the particle accelerator in Switzerland really threw us for a loop.

Bob: What?

Jim: It's the only explanation that makes sense, Bob. It doesn't take an entire month to clear customs. It must have been the black hole.

Bob: Say goodbye, Jim.

Jim: Goodbye, everyone!

I'm totally going to blame everything on the particle accelerator for like, a few months. I'll have a real update soon....


Anonymous said...

LOL at the "Stromotion" picture.

I think it definitely deserved the silver. The other pictures are great, too!

Jean in Georgia said...

I found your olympics much more entertaining than the actual ones, considering I didn't watch them.

Great work on the sweater and the beaded jewelry! Can't wait to see them in person.

Erin (moviemuse) said...

ROTFL!! The sweater and the jewelry are particularly lovely, Heather. And I keep forgetting the particle accelerator! Now I know what to blame for not being more ready for DS's birthday party.

dera frances white said...

dang, yo! you are one busy lady. how do you not have carpel tunnel syndrome? my wrists ache just to look at all that. AND my fingers feel like swollen sausages too. but that's another story. beautiful work, heather!!!

Shanta Hayes said...

Thank you so much for that HI-larious yet very informative re-cap. I needed the laugh. I'd love to try the Tubey Tornado, where'd you get the pattern? Oh and congratulations, You broke Michael Phelps' record, for most medals in a single game.

Old Geek-outs