Saturday, August 27, 2016

Lottlympiad 2016 Begins...and you hardly knew it!

Click now for JiffNotes

{Inspiring music plays over an aerial shot of Christ the Redeemer...}

Bob: In a land where celebration is a way of life...

{...music takes on a samba beat, various shots of Carnaval floats and dancers...}

Bob: ...schedules go out the window as an entire country celebrates athletic achievement...

{...montage saluting all athletes, but mostly Americans*...}

Bob: ...in this, the Fourth Games of the Lottlympiad!

{...music swells, colorful graphics swish across the screen, revealing the broadcast booth overlooking Copacabana Beach.}

Bob: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, we are coming to you from Rio, but we've been having a bit of technical difficulties here that have severely delayed our broadcasts.

Jim: You can say that again! Boy, Bob, you really have some explaining to do!

Bob: Ah, Jim, maybe you can help me out here. Weren't you the one who found our only computer stashed away in that broom closet?

Jim: Um...

Bob: What made you think to look there, anyway? In fact, where have you been? You know, we'd all been looking for you for weeks!

Jim: Er...

Bob: Seriously, you weren't at Beach Volleyball, I haven't seen you out on the deck, you missed the frescobol demonstration...

Jim: Well, I, um...

Bob: Jim.

Jim: Yes, Bob?

Bob: Were you hiding?

Jim: What? No, of course not! Why would I-

Bob: Is this because of what happened in London?

Jim: *starts to sob* I couldn't bear making an idiot out of myself in another country...

Bob: But, Jim, the people of Rio are actually very friendly, as long as you're not actually playing any sport...

Jim: Well, I'm not going to risk it.

Bob: *sighs* Sure, Jim, just stay in the broadcast center and you should be fine. Now then, as we'd all heard, the preparations for the games were continuing right up until the very last minute, so the events weren't even announced beforehand as usual. Let's go outside to Rebecca for the slate of events.

Rebecca: Hello, Bob, Jim...

Jim: IS THAT A BRITISH ACCENT??!?

Rebecca: What? Yes, of course-

Jim: AAAHHHHHhhhhhhh.... *Jim's screams trail off*

SLAM!!

Rebecca: What just happened?

Bob: I think Jim has locked himself in the broom closet again.

Rebecca: What? Why?

Bob: I'll explain later. Let's just show everyone the events for this year, shall we?

Rebecca: Of course. First off, our old favorite, Synchronized Shawling, is back this year.

Synchronized Shawling
Bronze - Finish Biratu ball
Silver - Finish half of Astrid rounds
Gold - Finish all small Astrid rounds

Bob: Looks great. What other events are returning?

Rebecca: Boxing and Chore Steeplechase are back again as well.

Boxing
Bronze - Frame Dancer
Silver - Frame Snow
Gold - Mount Random Thoughts

Chore Steeplechase
Bronze - Replace watch batteries
Silver - Iron all the things
Gold - Fix two pieces of mending

Bob: Ooo, Chore Steeplechase is a tough one. Usually a pretty unpopular event, isn't it?

Rebecca: Yes, Bob, participation is always low. Yet we keep having it. No one is sure why.

Bob: I think the phrase is, "Hope springs eternal," Rebecca. Any other returning events?

Rebecca: Actually, Bob, all of the remaining events are brand new. Let's take a look.

(re)Cycling
Bronze - Reclaim Wavy yarn
Silver - Reclaim Molly yarn
Gold - Wind all reclaimed yarn

Patriotic Relay
Bronze - Long May She Wave flag, eagle
Silver - Top border and stars
Gold - Roof

WIP Medley
Bronze - Finish outer hardanger border
Silver - Curios area 7
Gold - Curios areas 8 & 9

Bob: Looks like we're in for some excitement, Rebecca!

Rebecca: Absolutely, Bob. In fact, I think we should at least share what happened the opening weekend of the games. You'll be surprised to hear that for our first medal update, we're going out to Tom and Atto at the MaracanĂ£ stadium.

Tom: Thank you, Rebecca. There was some early success in the Chore Steeplechase. Let's take a look.


Atto: Tom, you can see that even though the course is littered with obstacles, if you keep your eyes on the prize, you can still make it to the goal.

Tom: Exactly what I was going to say, Atto.

Atto: Right....

Tom: So that's a Bronze so far in the Chore Steeplechase. Back to you, Bob and Rebecca!

Bob: That is surprising, Rebecca. But it would be even more surprising if any higher level medal was earned in that event!

*both laugh*

Rebecca: You're not wrong, Bob.

Bob: Thank you, Rebecca. And with that cheery thought, let's check in with Ted and Cynthia at the Maria Lenks Aquatic Center. What color is the water there today, Ted?

Ted: Well, Bob, today we're seeing nothing but blue...or is that Bronze, Cynthia?

Cynthia: We've definitely had some early success in Synchronized Shawling. Take a look.


Ted: Just look at those lines!

Cynthia: You can see that at every point, things line up perfectly...all those twists and turns are happening in perfect tandem.

Ted: But have we reached the end of the line?

Cynthia: This is when you have to dig down deep and keep going...really join in and make it look like it's one smooth effort, so when you pick up in the next round, there's a continuum there.


Ted: And that's all part of a Bronze medal performance. Back to you, Bob.

Bob: Finally, we'll go to Paul and Christian to check in with (re)Cycling.

Paul: Bob, the road race is already in progress, and we've just reached the cobblestones in the midst of the route.

Christian: Ooo, look at those bumps!


Christian: I can't tell you how that's going to get sorted! It's a little dark now due to the rain...but wait, the clouds are about to clear...


Paul: Looks like things are still a little bumpy out there, Christian.

Christian: Lots of tight curves, too, Paul. It's going to be a tricky ride!

Paul: I can feel some wet conditions coming, Christian. We'll see how it all washes out!

Bob: Thank you, Paul. So two Bronzes in the opening weekend of the games, and great progress towards a third. We'll be back soon with another update. Actually, we may wrap things up, since it seems like we need to get Jim out of here as soon as possible.

Jim: *muffled* Mmmm fmpf mmm MMMM!

Bob: *sighs* Good night, everyone!

JiffNotes
Will Jim ever leave the broom closet? Will any more medals be earned? What colors will the water in the diving pool turn next??? Stay tuned for the thrilling and oh-so-late conclusion of the Fourth Lottlympiad!

If you have no idea what's going on, (including why Jim is so afraid of "foreigners"), check out some previous Lottlympiad coverage.

*If you got this vague reference to Sam the Eagle's production in Muppet*vision 3-D at Walt Disney World, you and I are now best friends. =)

5 comments:

Jackie said...

I'm cheering on! Gold in all the categories!!! Well, except for Chore Steeplechase. Duh.

Tiffstitch said...

Love it! Good luck on getting gold!

Jo who can't think of a clever nickname said...

Great start to the events, but come on "iron ALL the things". I consider myself a marathon ironer but even I draw the line at All the things!
Love the article about the Brazilians' enthusiasm for the crowd event. Quite a contrast to the British attitude!

Bea said...

You're off to a good start - is the stamina there to reach lots of gold? Poor Jim!

Heather said...

Nice start good luck!

Old Geek-outs